How Alpha Gamma Delta gave me Schizophrenia: A...
“We live by the sun, we love by the moon.” -revised quote from the creators of Tomorrowworld
An April Fools' Wedding
I prayed. And ate some really good potato salad. Wondered whether the beans were vegetarian. Then decided not to care. I danced to the Harlem Shake, Gangnum Style, the wobble, and the Cha-Cha with my drunken mother. I realized how forgiving I have become of her. I am not sure whether it is my maturity, my impending degree in Psychology, the fact that I have not been living with her for almost a...
Prozac: Day 19
I feel as though I could rip off every smothering layer of my body and dance my naked soul to the ocean just to escape these jaw clenching jitters. The physical limits of my body can no longer contain the buzzing of my mind. Could be the caffeine. But it was only green tea. I don’t understand. One moment my mind is suspected in a carefree abyss with no future and no past. A never-ending tub...
Just take it one day at a time.
But even that’s too much. I’ll just take it one hour at a time. One pill at a time. Yes. One hour at a time.
Prozac: Day 7
Increased dreaming; increased nightmares Sweaty palms (expected) Dilated pupils, constantly Running yesterday induced severe spike in heart rate and blood pressure… …then again that could have been due to me not having run in weeks… Memory loss: easily distracted and nearly impossible to get back on track Vivid dreams. Oh God, sometimes getting dream state confused with...
“I…I don’t think I want to do this anymore… There! I said it!” “Goooooood…” my immortality breathed, grinning at me with eyes that were just too large. I raised an eyebrow at her, “You’re not making me feel any better.” But I didn’t know if it was her creepy enthusiasm that made me so uneasy, or the fact that I had been...
I will realize that I cannot change what happened yesterday.
the entire way home without the radio on. But it wasn’t one of those accidental quiet drives home where you awkwardly realize halfway that you had been sitting in silence with yourself, washed so deeply away in thought. No, I knew that my car was eerily silent. But I needed it. I imagined that my brain would not even be able to handle the bombarding hum of audio. It surely did not possess...
“I’d give up music for you.” I let out a gasp. Such a powerful statement. Giggle. “I’d give up sound for you.” Another giggle. “I’ll be your sound.” “…raver problems.”
I just want to blog and complain about everything that I hate in life. Which is a lot.
I had an odd, vodka-fueled dream last night where humans and high functioning zombies were attempting to live in harmony with each other. Well, actually, the humans were attempting to enslave the zombies and use them for their own benefit. Naturally, they were born enemies and their relationships were stained with distrust and resentment. I came across a zombie who had already been enslaved and...
Life is not money. Life is experiences. Saying that you have $10,000 in the bank is not the same as saying that you have a happy life. Saying that you traveled the world and raged face at Tomorrowland? That is a happy life.
of the most important things that cross country taught me was to never give up. Even when it hurts. … Especially when it hurts.
I hate everyone. I’m not sure if I should try to change myself, or those I surround myself with. All I know is, I am fucking sick of trying to accommodate. This is me. And you can go fuck yourself.
Someone asked me recently, “I am going to be entering UNLV in the fall. Tell me, honestly, what sororities should I avoid? Who are the bitches?” with a laugh. I immediately thought, Easy DZs and laughed to myself. But then, after a quick self-scolding for having prejudged yet again, I remembered my trip to White Wonderland and the friends I made along the way. I traveled with two...
I hate the place. Like, seriously, hate it. I think because I always see Ed there. For reasons I know all too well, he loves to creep up on me on the rare occasion that I find myself browsing through its vitamin-smelling, off-label-product-packed aisles. He’ll peak through cereal boxes, reminding me of the very selective ones that we used to share. Kashi. Oh, he loves Kashi. He’ll...
I wished the reply to be “Yes, baby, of course. What’s wrong?” But I got a “Yeah. What’s up?” instead. Better than nothing at all I suppose. Times like these remind me of how much I miss you. As much as you hurt me, I like it, in this weird, masochistic kind of way. For some odd reason, I love opening my heart up to you just to see what you think of it, even...
I am now remembering why I have not been on this blog in so long. Reality is too sharp a knife for these tender arms. Back to my other tumblr with its beautiful anonymity. And EDM. I think I have finally found my calling. And it just happens to be in the form of epic rave GIFs, trance, and PLUR. :) … 8)
I had a sorta date with my ex-boyfriend last night. Yes, it was strange. He picked me up and everything. On the car ride to the restaurant, discomfort hung in the air between us tight as the strings of a freshly tuned guitar. But I kept my smile pressed even tighter. I only had to fight back tears twice. Okay, three times. Which made me angry. And confused. At this point, I believe it is safe to...
When I looked up from the running sink,
I looked small. Not small in the sense that Ed wanted. But childish and scared. The last time I saw this Megan was almost, God, it must have been at least two and a half years ago. Her pupils were but the smallest of pinpricks, blood dirtied the white areas. She was scared. I was scared for her. Where did this come from? Where did he come from? Out of nowhere it seemed. But I knew better than...
“If you don’t like being a slave, you will be miserable; but you won’t stop being a slave.” -Thomas Weidemann
“The heart has its reasons which reason does not know.” -Blaise Pascal
of Snicker’s ice cream bars and tumblr. has turned me temporarily insane.
A little note on feminist jibber jabber
Women who complain to men about sex crimes piss me off. “How would you feel if you couldn’t even get gas at night? Or safely walk to your car after dark? Or even be home alone, hm?” As if it’s somehow the man’s responsibility to feel bad for what other monsters of his same gender have done. This falls along the same logic as saying, to a Muslim, “How would you...
I had to run four miles, Before I was able to look nakedly in the mirror again. I doubt I physically look any different from yesterday. But Ed thinks I do, just slightly, Just slightly. And, I suppose, that’s all that matters.
Skinny Dipping with Catfish
The perfection was suffocating. My imperfection just didn’t fit well with it. It crawled up to my throat and sat there, a confused little ball of indecision and regret. I was a lost puzzle piece who stumbled it’s way into the wrong box. A perfect box. With perfect pieces. Fitting so perfectly together. It creates a mural that I am so painfully absent from. I push myself out. Out of the...
Things I've learned since moving out
Plastic utensils rock. One can survive without plateware. Going out to eat breakfast should not be taken for granted. TV is a waste of time but a comfort nonetheless. Grass causes bugs. Desert landscaping actually makes sense. I really want a Macbook. I hate people/socializing. Living at home was, perhaps, not the worst thing in the world. Why I stayed home for so long and for college. ...
“But as it turns out, being a grown-up doesn’t mean you’re fearless. It just means you fear different things.” -Jodi Picoult, Lone Wolf
“I wonder if what makes a family a family isn’t doing everything right all the time but, instead, giving a second chance to the people you love who do things wrong.” -Jodi Picoult, Lone Wolf
“Scars are just a treasure map for pain you’ve buried too deep to remember.” -Jodi Picoult, Lone Wolf
And she pulled the covers up to her chin and, in her mind, she whispered, “fuck the world.”
What is this "free time" you speak of?
I do not believe that I have ever had this little to do. At least since the days before high school anyway. I am bored. However, knowing just how particularly stressful the opposite feels, I am embracing this newfound nothingness. I will take extra long showers and use my expensive lavender soap. I will listen to music, possibly look for new music! I will give myself pedicures and paint my nails...
Anonymous asked: do you find jeff han attractive?
And with a flip of the bipolar switch...
It’s okay. My life and I are just different. And that’s okay. I’m slightly nontraditional, I’ve made different choices and, as a result, I’ve had different experiences. At times, I lose faith in my decisions and seem to forget why I made some of them, but that by no means should invalidate them. In the end, it all comes down to the choices that we make, and in the...
Anonymous asked: Well in response to that last anon question then I hope he can treat you like you are an absolute angel!
Sometimes I just hate you. I resent you for making me feel this way. And as much as I realize that it is not in any way your fault, that I have so many of my own problems that I need to work out, I don’t know where else to channel all of this negative energy. It makes me hate you. Like, absolutely hate you. And all of this hate makes me even more depressed and even more resentful and I just...
things could be worse. I could be anorexic still.
Anonymous asked: you and jeff are so cute together!!!!! he better be treating you right ;)
Goal of the day:
Stop thinking. Just stop.
I think and listen too much. That’s my problem. It’s not just the listening, but the listening to other people that really gets me. For some reason, I have this crazy idea rooted in my mind that all of our paths to happiness are but the same. What makes one person happy must make another happy as well, right? My problem is that I never just listen to myself free from the persistent...
I am finally playing the role that you have always asked me to play but one that I have always refused. For stubbornness? For fear? I guess it is because deep down I don’t trust you regardless of how much you have shown me that you genuinely care. It’s peculiar because I had always assumed that I was emotionally safe with you, perhaps because I had always had the upperhand, perhaps...
Boom boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom…Boom …Boom …
I wish I could put into words how some EDM songs make me feel. Because then when I have aged and look back on my youthful years and the cultural revolution that EDM has ignited, I could still get those insatiable goosebumps and untamable butterflies. But, who am I kidding? I will not even try. My language skills are far surpassed by these feelings, a phenomenon that I have never before...
I read your text
once and it went through my body like a light mist. My face was still. Halfway through the second time reading it, my eyes started burning and my throat tightened slightly. After the third time I read it, I finally sucked in some air and let my mouth droop open trying to push out at least some of the negative concoction of emotions I was not prepared to handle. The steady beat of Dash Berlin...
“I have spent all my life with dance and being a dancer. It’s permitting life to use you in a very intense way. Sometimes it is not pleasant. Sometimes it is fearful. But nevertheless it is inevitable.” -Martha Graham (1894-1991) I know close to nothing about dance but this seems like a breath of wisdom about nearly any endeavor in life. Beautiful.
“No pleasure is a bad thing in itself: but the means which produce some pleasures bring with them disturbances many times greater than the pleasures.” -Epicurus